News from the nick

Locker stunt backfires on wisecrack kids

PCs George and Fred Weasley were reported to be in hiding yesterday when their latest prank backfired. The two notorious practical jokers were the victims of some clever double-dealing by an, as yet, unidentified colleague. In the latest of a spate of ‘locker stunts’ the two moved the locker of a colleague from its position in the male locker room and replaced it upside down in the farthest and most inaccessible location in the room. Sources close to the Weasleys state that they identified the locker by the pictures of high performance motorcycles stuck to the front, what they didn’t know was that their plot had been discovered and the pictures removed to the locker door of another officer. The locker they targeted for their stunt in fact belonged to Sergeant Claude Van-Man who has been recently promoted to White Horse Road Police Station after spending the previous five years serving with the Force’s Tactical Support Unit (TSU). The TSU specialise in dealing with violent situations and public order incidents, they train for hours on end to make themselves proficient in self defence techniques giving them them physiques of well-muscled athletes (phwoaar!..ed.). Sergeant Van-Man was a natural for the unit following his previous career in the Parachute Regiment of Her Majesty’s Forces. Sources close to Van-Man describe him as serious minded, a trait typical of TSU officers; less kind descriptions of the unit’s members range from humourless to Robo-Cops.

Chief Inspector Julie Warne is reportedly aware of the Weasley’s misdemeanours; she is reported to have been uncharacteristically philosophical about this breach of the code of conduct saying:

“I don’t see the need for senior officers to become involved at this stage. I’m confident that Sergeant Van-Man is more than capable of dealing with this minor discipline matter in a fitting manner.”

The Weasleys are, to date, still nervously unavailable for comment.

Custody drama for PC in CS spray arrest

PC Jack Schmitt was covering his blushes after getting more than he bargained for following the successful detention of a street robber recently. During the arrest of the baseball bat wielding thug, Schmitt discharged the contents of his CS spray canister enabling him to grapple the thief to the floor.

Booking the prisoner in at the custody office Schmitt had an urgent need to attend to a call of nature so, with the custody officer’s blessing, used the facilities of the adjacent detention room. The inhuman wail that emanated moments later put prisoners in nearby cells in fear of torture; but the agonies of PC Schmitt were not the result of inhuman treatment but of his own failure to wash his hands that were covered in the remains of the discharged CS spray canister.

During training to use CS spray, officers are taught that the spray forms crystals as it reaches its target causing streaming eyes and nose. The solution to these symptoms is to turn and face the prevailing wind where the crystals are blown away. There are no witnesses to report how Schmitt dealt with his own exposure…but there were plenty of suggestions.

Local officer in burger shame

Community Beat Officer Ron McDonald took the long walk of shame to the end of the third floor corridor this week after disgracing himself on television. Summoned to Chief Superintendent John Toblerones’s office, McDonald was made to explain how he was to be seen in the background of a news shot, caught by a local TV crew, apparently munching a double cheeseburger when he was meant to be stood guarding the murder scene. Sources whose office is close to that of Toblerone’s report hearing expostulations that included the words ‘professional’, ‘helmet’ and ‘out of my sight’. Sources in the lower corridors of White Horse Road police station report hearing, shortly after the meeting, muttered protestations that included the words ‘****ing media’ from departing McDonald, who was seen to be clutching a piece of paper: reportedly an action plan for future development that is to include a publicity project on his community beat in liaison with the Force’s Press and Media Unit.

Red face after radio confession

After a quiet period for the Weasley twins it appears they are back on form following a recent radio stunt perpetrated by George Weasley. Finding himself on duty one evening with a naïve colleague from a different shift working overtime, Weasley abused the police radio airwaves in an audacious coup that left the unnamed colleague red faced and this correspondent breathless and not a little curious.

The police Airwave radio system allows all officers on one channel, or talkgroup, to hear each other’s transmissions – the advantages are obvious; this feature though provided Weasley with another opportunity for mischief. Engaging his innocent colleague in conversation, Weasley skilfully steered the chat to the topic of their colleagues, or more specifically their female colleagues and their various merits. Having given a full and frank assessment of a certain officer’s plus points Weasley enticed the unsuspecting officer into carrying out a similar assessment, in ignorance of the fact that shortly prior to the question: “What do you think of Sarah Didsbury?” he had depressed the transmit button on his personal radio ensuring that the whole police division listened with rapt attention to a, frankly, flattering and heart rendingly honest, assessment of the subject officers bodily attributes.

Didsbury is reported to be “intrigued to learn the intentions implied by the Airwave profession of adoration” and is reported to be waiting, in a manner befitting a lady, for further communication.

To add to the intrigue it seems, according to sources close to the Weasley prankster’s victim, that he feels Weasley might just have done him a favour, by forcing into the open something he lacked the courage to say in a more conventional manner.

The punch line to this latest prank, however, was delivered by Chief Inspector Julie Warne in whose eyes Weasley’s card is well and truly marked. Weasley is reported to have paled when Chief Inspector Warnes Airwave intervention:

“Radio discipline at all times please…” was followed up by searching questions of the evening’s duty roster.


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